'She has a temper [...] I hate her': 16-year-old girl refuses to tutor her terrible 15-year old sister despite parents' threats of punishment

Author image for Brad Dickson
Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Nov 9, 2024 12:00 PM EST

We're often taught that we have an obligation to love our family and that "blood is thicker than water." While this is overly simplistic, I think it remains true that we should try harder to make things work with our family than we would with other random people. We should seek to resolve issues that reasonably can be resolved with a higher obligation than we would with friends and acquaintances. But even with family, there is a point where cutting ties becomes the only option.

Still, these sisters may come to find they grow closer as they grow older and as whatever chip this younger sister has on her shoulder subsides and she matures—or they may never come to find common ground, with old deep cuts festering and becoming impossible to resolve and move past. But, for now, it's hard to say that the older sister is wrong for not wanting to help her sister out. Siblings are going to fight, but there's a point where things go way too far, and the parents desperately need to intervene. Perhaps the parents would be better off just hiring a tutor to help her with the subjects she's falling behind in.

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    Image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Image is for illustration only and subjects are models.

  • 02
    AITA for refusing to give my sister any help in anything ever? I (16f) have one sister (15). She has a temper and it makes her mean. When we were younger it was over stuff that she believed I could do that she couldn't. But there was nothing. She'd say I got to do more extra curricular's than her but we each had one. I was in a music class after school for 5 years and she did
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    dance. My classes had more breaks than hers did but we still only had one each. She'd get SO mad at me for having more and sometimes when I'd get back from class when she was on break I'd come home to her dumping all my stuff all over the room. One time she threw stuff from the top of the stairs when dad and I were coming in the door and she broke a lot of toys.
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    I was jealous that mom and dad bought her more stuff at Christmas when we were younger. At the time I thought they loved her more but the stuff all added up to the same amount. I got less because my individual gifts cost more. But when my sister was mean I'd argue that she got more than me. She'd still say I still got to do more stuff and it wasn't fair.
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    When I was 10 she broke my guitar because she still believed I did more extra curricular's. My parents couldn't afford to replace it back then and I decided to quit music lessons because I didn't like other instruments as much, except piano but that was more expensive to learn and we never owned a piano so practice was impossible. I hated her so much for it but she would act so smug about it. She rubbed it in my face for years. When I got angry enough I'd tell her I wish she wasn't my sister and
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    I started my period when I was 11 and I have endometriosis, only diagnosed this year, which causes me issues. I bl d a lot and have so much pain. My sister started calling me gross and would tell people at school about how gross I am and she'd tell people about bl ding accidents I had. This is an ongoing problem and our parents punish her for it and they try to make us talk our issues out but it's a waste of
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    time. They discipline me too if I express that I hate her. I try not to say it but it's not a lie when I say it. I do hate her. And I'm not ashamed of hating the person who tries to make home and school for me.
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    There are times my sister has needed help and I ignored it and did nothing. Which came up a couple of days ago because my parents wanted me to tutor my sister in math. She always struggled with Math but now she's failing it and they want me to help her so she doesn't end up failing math all the way through high school. But I refused. I told them I would take them punishing me over helping
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    her. My parents brought up how I never help my sister and how she might bu y me sometimes but we're sisters and we should love each other and as the older sister I should try to help when I can. I told them I'd take being punished. They told me I was being so stubborn and they've been mad the last couple of days. AITA?
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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the ah le: I refuse to ever help my sister. Lately it's been with math and helping her do better in the class. My parents were the ones to ask me that and not her. But I know they wish I'd be more mature and rise above it. And I guess I could be more mature about it or I could care enough about my parents to help out.
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    • Doc_HW 8h ago. NTA. Your sister has set several traps along the way to prevent any chance of you two getting along, and unfortunately, all attempts to fix things between you have failed. It's totally understandable that, by now, you wouldn't want to interact with her, even for schoolwork.
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    There's also the chance that if you agree to help her, she might purposely fail math and try to blame you for sabotaging her, leading your parents to punish you for 'hurting' your sister. Honestly, the relationship between you two is quite toxic, and the healthiest thing for you is to gradually start cutting ties. Family trees can be pruned too.
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    • Expensive Excuse... 8h ago. NTA. As sisters who should love each other, your parents should punish your sister every time she bu ies you. My suggestion would be to tell your parents that when they start punishing your sister for buying you, then and only then, will you consider helping her. Your parents are failing you and enabling your sister to be a bu y.
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    No-Personality-92... • 8h ago NTA Ask them where your new guitar and your sister's apology are.
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    norablisss 8h ago. • NTA. You're not wrong for refusing to help your sister, given the way she treated you for years. Her behavior has been hurtful and, honestly, quite damaging, and it makes sense that you wouldn't feel comfortable supporting her academically or otherwise.
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    • Horror-Reveal7618 7h ago • NTA Question, did your parents have your sister replace anything your sister broke? The natural consequence for when she broke your guitar would have been to suspend her dance classes until they could afford to replace your guitar or use any savings she had to do so.
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    1962Michael • 8h ago NTA. This is specifically about you choosing whether to tutor your sister in math. First of all, you probably know it well because you just did it last year. But that doesn't mean you can teach it, especially if your sister is going to have an attitude about it. But if you're open to it at all, I'd tell your parents that your price is a new guitar and lessons.
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    Best-Error500 8h ago. • NTA. It's your parents job to help foster a healthy relationship between siblings. Your parents not punishing your sister for her bu ying is actively encouraging her to do so. Is It wrong of her to bu y you the way she does? Absolutely. She just might not have a full understanding of the damage she's causing at those young
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    ages if your parents are thinking it's just normal, and teaching that. That doesn't mean you have to take it either. You should be allowed to say no. It's more than likely it's just gonna give her another opportunity to treat you badly some more. It's clear your parents need to step in before this rift is irreversible, though you already likely know this. Keep standing up for yourself,
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    make boundaries. At 16 (and being the older sibling) this is gonna feel like your relationship with your sister is fully your responsibility and on your shoulders. And it's not. Keep standing up for yourself. Hold your boundaries. I really hope the best for you.
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    toryjuniper . 8h ago • You're not wrong for feeling hurt and frustrated by your sister's behavior. It sounds like she's caused you a lot of pain over the years, and it's understandable that you don't want to help her given the circumstances.
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    tuffyowner 8h ago • You're not the only person that can tutor your sister. Have your parents call her guidance counselor about how she can get help. NTA
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    Past-Minimum-7632 7h ago • NTA. They should have given that not bu ying lecture to her. They created this mess, they can fix it.
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    turtlequeenic .7h ago. NTA. You're sister is being a buy and although she can grow out of it or change, right now she needs a hard lesson. If your parents aren't punishing her or teaching her well enough (which it doesn't sound like they are), it makes perfect sense that you'd have to take it into your own hands and not help her. Although hate isn't good for your soul so as hard as it is you should keep trying to be forgiving. For yourself, not for her.
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    accidentallywi... • 7h ago NTA. Your parents are the because they are failing to actually parent your sister. Your sister is an ahle too
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